Chapter14 The Story of My Life-双语名著无障碍阅读丛书——《假如给我三天光明Three Days to See》

The Story of My Life CHAPTER 14 T anxiety and fear.Books lost their charm for me,and even now the thought of those dreadful days chills my heart.A little story called"The Frost King,"which I wrote and sent to Mr.Anagnos,of the Perkins Institution for the Blind,was at the root of the trouble.In order to make the matter clear,I must set forth the facts connected with this episode,which justice to my teacher and to myself compels me to write. I wrote the story when I was at home,the autumn after I had learned to speak.We had stayed up at Fern Quarry later than usual.While we were there, Miss Sullivan had described to me the beauties of the late foliage,and it seems that her descriptions revived the memory of a story,which must have been read to me,and which I must have unconsciously retained.I thought then that I was "making up a story,"as children say,and I eagerly sat down to write it before the ideas should slip from me.My thoughts flowed easily;I felt a sense of joy in the composition.Words and images came tripping to my finger ends,and as I thought out sentence after sentence,I wrote them on my braille slate.Now, if words and images come to me without effort,it is a pretty sure sign that they ·134· 我的生活 第十四章 1892年冬天，一抹乌云遮盖了我童年时代那明亮 的天空，欢喜之心也随之弃我而去。有很长、很长一段 时间，我都是在疑惑、焦虑和恐惧之中度过的，我甚至 对书本也失去了兴趣。现在回想起那段时光，我仍然心 有余悸。我曾写了一个叫作“冰雪之王”的小故事，还 把它送给了帕金斯盲人学院的阿纳戈诺斯先生。然而， 这个故事却是引起麻烦的根源。为了把这件事表述清楚， ①compel[kam'pel,迫使 我必须把事实与情节联系起来，这对于老师和我来说是 一样的，因为它迫使我不得不进行写作。 就在我学会说话后的那年秋天，我在家中写完了那 个故事。当时，我们住在弗恩采石场，睡觉的时间也比 ②foliage[fauliid3】n.【总 称】叶子 平时晚些。沙利文小姐为我描述了美丽的深秋树叶，这 似乎唤醒了我记忆深处的某个故事。这个故事我一定在 哪里读过，并无意间记住了它。我想，这样的话我也要 编写故事。于是，在脑海里的思绪溜走之前，我满怀渴 望地坐下来写故事。整个过程中，我的思路十分顺畅， ③braille[breil训n.布莱叶 点字法 我体会到了创作过程的喜悦。文字和画面轻快地游走到 ④slate[sleit)n.画石板 了我的指尖，我把涌出脑海的句子一个个写在我的盲文 木板上。现在想想，如果不费吹灰之力文字和画面就显 现了出来，那么，它们一定不是我思想的产物，最多只 ·135· The Story of My Life are not the offspring of my own mind,but stray waifs that I regretfully dismiss.At that time I eagerly absorbed everything I read without a thought of authorship,and even now I cannot be quite sure of the boundary line between my ideas and those I find in books.I suppose that is because so many of my impressions come to me through the medium of others'eyes and ears. When the story was finished,I read it to my teacher,and I recall now vividly the pleasure I felt in the more beautiful passages,and my annoyance at being interrupted to have the pronunciation of a word corrected.At dinner it was read to the assembled family,who were surprised that I could write so well.Some one asked me if I had read it in a book. This question surprised me very much;for I had not the faintest recollection of having had it read to me.I spoke up and said,"Oh,no,it is my story,and I have written it for Mr.Anagnos." Accordingly I copied the story and sent it to him for his birthday.It was suggested that I should change the title from "Autumn Leaves"to "The Frost King,"which I did.I carried the little story to the post-office myself,feeling as if I were walking on air.I little dreamed how cruelly I should pay for that birthday gift. Mr.Anagnos was delighted with "The Frost King,"and published it in one of the Perkins Institution reports.This was the pinnacle of my happiness,from which I was in a little while dashed to earth.I had been in Boston only a short time when it was discovered that a story similar to "The Frost King,"called "The Frost Fairies,"by Miss Margaret T.Canby,had appeared before I was born in a book called "Birdie and His Friends."The two stories were so much alike in thought and language that it was evident Miss Canby's story had been read to me,and that mine was-a plagiarism.It was difficult to make me understand this;but when I did understand I was astonished and grieved.No child ever drank deeper of the cup of bitterness than I did.I had disgraced myself;I had ·136· 我的生活 ①offspring[['ofsprin]n.产 能算是我脑海中残存的零星碎片。那时，我如饥似渴地 物 ②stray[strei]a零落的 从任何读物中汲取知识，但是，我对读物本身却从来都 ③waif[wei闺n.漂浮物 没有过什么想法。即便是现在，我也无法完全分清楚哪 些是我自己的思想，哪些是我读过的书籍。我想，这是 因为我的所见所闻大部分是靠别人的眼睛和耳朵得到 的。 故事写完后，我就读给老师听。至今，我仍然清楚 记得当时自己沉醉其中的样子，以及被老师打断、纠正 我发音时的懊恼。晚饭时，我又把故事读给全家人听， 他们个个都惊讶万分，夸我写得好，甚至还有人问我这 是不是从书里读到的故事。 这个问题让我感到非常吃惊，因为我不记得有谁曾 为我读过这样的故事。我大声说道：“哦，不，这是我 写给阿纳戈诺斯先生的故事。” 所以，我把故事抄写下来，并把它作为生日礼物 送给了阿纳戈诺斯先生。有人建议我把题目从“秋天 的落叶”改为“冰雪之王”，我照着做了。我亲自把这 个小故事送到了邮局，一路上感觉仿佛在腾云驾雾。 我完全没预料到自己将要为这件生日礼物付出多么惨 痛的代价。 ④pinnacle[pinokl]n.顶点 阿纳戈诺斯先生很喜欢我的“冰雪之王”，他还 把故事登在了帕金斯学院的一份刊物上。我为自己的 故事高兴极了。但是好景不长，我很快就跌人了低谷。 因为在我回到波士顿不久，一篇同“冰雪之王”类似 的故事一“冰雪仙子”出现了。这个故事的作者是 玛格丽特·T.坎比小姐，她在我出生前就已经将其发 5plagiarism [pleid3jarizam] 表在《布菜迪和他的伙伴们》一书中。无论思路还是 n抄袭物 语言，这两则故事都几乎如出一辙。因此，有人认为 ⑥disgrace[dis'greis]k玷 我曾经读过坎比小姐的书，并将其剽窃进我的故事里。 污…的名誉 起初我并不明白这是怎么回事，但在我搞清楚一切后， 我感到震惊和悲痛。对于一个孩子来说，没有比这更 ·137· The Story of My Life brought suspicion upon those I loved best.And yet how could it possibly have happened?I racked my brain until I was weary to recall any thing about the frost that I had read before I wrote "The Frost King";but I could remember nothing,except the common reference to Jack Frost,and a poem for children, "The Freaks of the Frost,"and I knew I had not used that in my composition. At first Mr.Anagnos,though deeply troubled,seemed to believe me.He was unusually tender and kind to me,and for a brief space the shadow lifted.To please him I tried not to be unhappy,and to make myself as pretty as possible for the celebration of Washington's birthday,which took place very soon after I received the sad news. I was to be Ceres in a kind of masque given by the blind girls.How well I remember the graceful draperies that enfolded me,the bright autumn leaves that wreathed my head,and the fruit and grain at my feet and in my hands,and beneath all the gaiety of the masque the oppressive sense of coming ill that made my heart heavy. The night before the celebration,one of the teachers of the Institution had asked me a question connected with"The Frost King,"and I was telling her that Miss Sullivan had talked to me about Jack Frost and his wonderful works. Something I said made her think she detected in my words a confession that I did remember Miss Canby's story of"The Frost Fairies,"and she laid her conclusions before Mr.Anagnos,although I had told her most emphatically that she was mistaken. Mr.Anagnos,who loved me tenderly,thinking that he had been deceived, turned a deaf ear to the pleadings of love and innocence.He believed,or at least suspected,that Miss Sullivan and I had deliberately stolen the bright thoughts of another and imposed them on him to win his admiration.I was brought before a court of investigation composed of the teachers and officers of the Institution,and Miss Sullivan was asked to leave me.Then I was questioned and cross-questioned with what seemed to me a determination on the part of my judges to force me to acknowledge that I remembered having had"The Frost ·138· 我的生活 痛苦的事情了。我感到颜面尽失，并开始怀疑那些最 ①rack[rek]折磨 爱的人和事物。可是，这一切怎么可能发生呢？我绞 尽脑汁地回想自己曾经读过的所有关于森林的故事， 直至筋疲力尽。其实，在写“冰雪之王”之前，我不 ②freak[frk]n怪异的想 记得看到过这类故事。也许杰克·弗罗斯特为孩子们 法 写的一首叫作“寒冬奇想”的诗和冰雪有关，但是我 并没有把它写进我的故事里。 起初，虽然阿纳戈诺斯先生深受困扰，但是他似 乎相信我是清白的。他变得更加关爱和呵护我了。不久， 这短暂的阴影渐渐消失了。为了让他开心，我尽量掩 ③masque[mask]n.化装 饰自己的不快，并在华盛顿诞辰的庆典活动中表现得 舞会 ④drapery[dreipori]n.衣 十分优雅得体，而这件事就发生在我得知那个坏消息 服 后不久。 在盲人女孩的化装舞会中，我扮演了谷物女神塞瑞 ⑤gaiety[geiati]n.快乐 斯。我仍然记得自己身上裹着华丽的织物，头上编织着 闪闪发亮的秋叶，手脚周围缠满了果实和谷物。然而， 在欢乐的氛围中，我的胸中却积攒着深深的愁苦。 庆典活动的前一天晚上，学院里的一位老师问了我 一个同“冰雪之王”有关的问题。我告诉她，沙利文小 姐曾为我讲述过杰克·弗罗斯特及其奇妙的诗作。我讲 的某些事情让她产生了这样的想法：她自认为觉察到了 我对坎比小姐的“冰雪仙子”记忆犹新，甚至认为我坦 白交代了自己的过错。虽然我一再强调她的推断有误， 但她还是把自己的结论告诉了阿纳戈诺斯先生。 ⑥tumn a deaf ear to充耳不 这样，一向对我和蔼可亲的阿纳戈诺斯先生认为 闻 ⑦pleading[pli:di画ln,恳 自己受到了欺骗，进而完全不理会我内心深处那对关爱 求，请求 和清白的乞求。他认为（至少是怀疑），我和沙利文小 姐故意窃取别人的思想精华以赢得他的赞赏。我甚至被 带到由学院教师和官员组成的调查法庭接受质询，而沙 利文小姐则被要求暂时回避。随后，我接受了反反复复 的问讯，调查团似乎下定决心要判我为曾读过“冰雪仙 ·139· The Story of My Life Fairies"read to me.I felt in every question the doubt and suspicion that was in their minds,and I felt,too,that a loved friend was looking at me reproachfully, although I could not have put all this into words.The blood pressed about my thumping heart,and I could scarcely speak,except in monosyllables.Even the consciousness that it was only a dreadful mistake did not lessen my suffering, and when at last I was allowed to leave the room,I was dazed and did not notice my teacher's caresses,or the tender words of my friends,who said I was a brave little girl and they were proud of me. As I lay in my bed that night,I wept as I hope few children have wept.I felt so cold,I imagined I should die before morning,and the thought comforted me. I think if this sorrow had come to me when I was older,it would have broken my spirit beyond repairing.But the angel of forgetfulness has gathered up and carried away much of the misery and all the bitterness of those sad days. Miss Sullivan had never heard of "The Frost Fairies"or of the book in which it was published.With the assistance of Dr.Alexander Graham Bell,she investigated the matter carefully,and at last it came out that Mrs.Sophia C. Hopkins had a copy of Miss Canby's "Birdie and His Friends"in 1888,the year that we spent the summer with her at Brewster.Mrs.Hopkins was unable to find her copy;but she has told me that at that time,while Miss Sullivan was away on a vacation,she tried to amuse me by reading from various books,and although she could not remember reading"The Frost Fairies"any more than I, yet she felt sure that"Birdie and His Friends"was one of them.She explained the disappearance of the book by the fact that she had a short time before she sold her house and disposed of many juvenile books,such as old school-books and fairy tales,and that"Birdie and His Friends"was probably among them. The stories had little or no meaning for me then;but the mere spelling of the strange words was sufficient to amuse a little child who could do almost nothing to amuse herself;and although I do not recall a single circumstance connected ·140· 我的生活 子”。我能感受到每一个问题中都包含着他们的质疑和 Dreproachfully [riprotffali] 臆断；同时，我也感受到一个亲密朋友正在用责备的眼 ad.责备地 神看着我，只是我无法把这些感受全部用言语表达出 ②thumping[oxmpin]a.怦 来。我血流加快，心跳加速，除了几个简单的音节，我 怦跳的 竞连一句话也说不出来。甚至在我意识到这只是一个可 ③daze[deiz]v使眩晕 怕的错误时，我也无法抹杀心中的痛苦。最终，我被获 准离开了房间。当时，我头昏脑涨，根本没有注意到老 师的抚爱和朋友们的亲切安慰。朋友们都说我是一个勇 敢的女孩，她们为我感到骄傲。 那天晚上，我躺在床上哭泣，我真希望别的孩子不 要遭受我这样的痛苦。我浑身发冷，觉得自己在天亮之 前就会死去；而这种想法却让我感受到了一丝宽慰。我 想，如果是在我长大后遇到这种事，那么我的精神一定 会被击垮到无法修补的地步。但是，遗忘天使把那些痛 苦岁月的悲伤一一收集，并且将其彻底带走了。 沙利文小姐从来没有听说过“冰雪仙子”的故事， 也不知道相关出版书籍。在亚历山大·格雷厄姆·贝尔 博士的帮助下，她对该事件进行了仔细调查，最终有了 些眉目：1888年，我们在布鲁斯特和索菲娅·C.霍普 金斯夫人一起度过了夏天，而她当时有一本坎比小姐的 《布莱迪和他的伙伴们》。但是霍普金斯夫人告诉我，她 已经找不到那本书了，当时，在沙利文小姐外出休假期 间，为了逗我开心，她就为我读各种各样的书。虽然她 不记得曾为我读过“冰雪仙子”的故事，但是她确信《布 ④juvenile〔d3 u:vanail]a. 莱迪和他的伙伴们》应该是其中的一本书。她解释道， 青少年的 其实，在卖掉房子之前，她就处理过大量的青少年读物、 旧课本和童话故事，而《布莱迪和他的伙伴们》很可能 就在其中。 当时，这些故事对我来说几乎没有任何意义。但是， 对于一个无所事事的小孩子来说，那些陌生的单词拼写 足以让她开心一阵子了。虽然我记不起故事里的任何情 ·141· The Story of My Life with the reading of the stories,yet I cannot help thinking that I made a great effort to remember the words,with the intention of having my teacher explain them when she returned.One thing is certain,the language was ineffaceably stamped upon my brain,though for a long time no one knew it,least of all myself. When Miss Sullivan came back,I did not speak to her about "The Frost Fairies,"probably because she began at once to read"Little Lord Fanntleroy," which filled my mind to the exclusion of everything else.But the fact remains that Miss Canby's story was read to me once,and that long after I had forgotten it,it came back to me so naturally that I never suspected that it was the child of another mind. In my trouble I received many messages of love and sympathy.All the friends I loved best,except one,have remained my own to the present time. Miss Canby herself wrote kindly,"Some day you will write a great story out of your own head,that will be a comfort and help to many."But this kind prophecy has never been fulfilled.I have never played with words again for the mere pleasure of the game.Indeed,I have ever since been tortured by the fear that what I write is not my own.For a long time,when I wrote a letter,even to my mother,I was seized with a sudden feeling of terror,and I would spell the sentences over and over,to make sure that I had not read them in a book.Had it not been for the persistent encouragement of Miss Sullivan,I think I should have given up trying to write altogether. I have read"The Frost Fairies"since,also the letters I wrote in which I used other ideas of Miss Canby's.I find in one of them,a letter to Mr.Anagnos,dated September 29,1891,words and sentiments exactly like those of the book.At the time I was writing "The Frost King,"and this letter,like many others,contains phrases which show that my mind was saturated with the story.I represent my teacher as saying to me of the golden autumn leaves,"Yes,they are beautiful ·142· 我的生活 节，但是我无法忘记辛苦地学习那些单词的过程。我总 想在老师休假归来后，马上给我解释那些单词。因此， Dineffaceably [ini'feisabli] 有一件事是肯定的一语言毫不费力地烙印在了我的头 ad.抹不掉地 脑里，只是很长时间以来，包括我在内的所有人都没有 留意到这个问题。 当沙利文小姐休假回来后，我并没有立刻跟她讲起 “冰雪仙子”，这可能是因为她一回来就为我读了《小爵 爷方特勒罗伊》。于是，我满脑子里装的都是这个崭新 的故事，以至于把其他的事情都抛到了一边。但事实上， 我确实听到过坎比小姐的故事，只是一段时间后，我忘 记了那种残存记忆的存在。不过，当我想起来那件事时， 它显得是那么自然。我从未怀疑那个故事就是某个孩子 另一个头脑的产物。 在那段艰难的日子里，我得到了许多人的同情和关 爱，所有我深爱的朋友，对我不离不弃，到如今只有一 个已不是我的朋友。 坎比小姐也亲切地写信安慰我：“有朝一日，你会 写出自己的伟大的故事，它将会抚慰和帮助很多人。” 但是这一仁慈的预言从未实现，从此，我也不再仅仅为 了娱乐而玩弄华丽的辞藻了。自此，我一直被恐惧折磨 着，我害怕自己写出来的东西不是我自己的。很长一段 时间里，就连给母亲写信时，我也会突然被一阵恐惧袭 击，然后反反复复地拼写句子，以确认这些话不是在某 些书里读到的。多亏沙利文小姐持续地不断鼓励，不然， 我想我肯定无法把那些单词组合成句。 那时，我不但读了“冰雪仙子”，而且在写信时也 借用了坎比小姐的一些观点。我发现，在1891年9月 29日写给阿纳戈诺斯先生的那封信中，我就使用了与 ②be saturated with充满着 书中相像的语句和情感基调。当时，我正在写“冰雪之 王”，与很多其他的信件一样，这封信中也包含了那篇 故事所使用的语句。比如，我在描述老师所说的秋日中 ·143·